I’m exhausted trying to lead and serve others. 

I am a community development director for a mid-sized city. My department staff is experiencing a host of challenges due to changing federal and state regulations, everyday threats to local democracy from vocal (and sometimes abusive) groups, constantly changing priorities from the city council and city manager, and new expectations on how we do our work.

To worsen things, my city is suffering budget cuts at a time that my department is called upon to address contentious problems (such as affordable housing) for which there are few agreed-upon solutions.  In the process, I am doing my best to preserve services and minimize community damage, save staff jobs, and protect employees and their families.  The city council, the city manager, and staff are looking to me for answers.  I have few.

As a leader, I understand that I must show up with a positive mindset.  To lead my teams amid all the uncertainty, I must model optimism, steadiness, confidence and hope for the future (even when I don’t feel any of those emotions).

My department does good work for the benefit of the community, so I do experience the rewards of leadership.  However, with all these leadership burdens, I am worn out.

My wife and kids notice that I’m often distracted, exhausted, and depleted.  I feel that I’m cheating my family and myself.

Help!  How do I overcome this emotional burden?

Yes. A leader serves others and responds to their needs so that the organization, department, or team can accomplish good things for the agency and community.

For most of my city management career, I thoroughly enjoyed the role of leader. It was incredibly rewarding to take on a challenge, convene a team, explore the complexities of the challenge, identify options, make recommendations, and finally implement the solution.

However, leadership has always demanded much of us and taken some emotional toll. With all the social, political, technological, and workplace changes that we are currently experiencing, the emotional labor now required of leaders is certainly daunting.

So, how do leaders address this emotional toll?

What is the “emotional labor” of leadership?

The emotional labor of leadership is defined as showing emotion that you do not feel.  (See Jamie Shapiro, “The Emotional Labor Required to Lead Effectively,” July 24, 2024.)  Leaders struggle when elected officials, the chief executive, community members, and employees demand answers, and you only have partial knowledge and insufficient solutions. Or, after a setback, the team is discouraged and feeling frustrated (and you may be too), yet as a leader you must try to exhibit confidence about the way forward.

What is the impact of this emotional labor?

Suppressing one’s emotions is costly. (See Dina Denham Smith, “When Your Feelings Conflict with Your Leadership Role,” Jan 27, 2023.)  You cannot perform as required if you are emotionally depleted, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, and lack the capacity to be positive, supportive, and forward-looking. 

Gallup reports that managers are now more stressed and unengaged than their direct reports.  (See Steph Brown, “Manager Disengagement Leads to Productivity Decline,” Financial Management, April 29, 2025.) In fact, managers rank higher for all five negative feelings measured in the Gallup survey (stress, anger, sadness, loneliness, worry) than for non-managers. 

The emotional labor of the leader also impacts your team. If you become distracted, unengaged, and low-energy, these emotions and resulting behaviors also hurt the team. Gallup research indicates that 70% of the variance in a team’s emotions and performance is related to the attitudes and behaviors of the team leader.  (See Steph Brown, “Manager Disengagement Leads to Productivity Decline,” Financial Management, April 29, 2025.)

What is the paradox of authenticity?

Employees now expect their leaders to be authentic, especially when it comes to vulnerability.  Employees still want to see their leaders exhibit confidence and decisiveness. These two old-school traits still form a key part of what people see as executive presence.  However, in addition, employees (especially younger employees) now expect their leaders to demonstrate authenticity including vulnerability.  (See Sylvia Ann Hewlett, “The New Rules for Executive Presence, Harvard Business Review, Jan-Feb 2024.)

There is no doubt that vulnerability creates connection with others, enhances trust, and increases the likelihood that people will follow you.  (See Career Compass No. 32: The Power of Vulnerability.)

However, leaders must walk an authenticity tightrope. On one hand, leaders who put on a “game face” and “tough it out” in the face of adversity are not perceived as authentic.  On the other hand, if leaders honestly share too much of their distress, team members may lose confidence in their leadership.  This dilemma is called the “authenticity paradox.”  Herminia Ibarra in the classic Harvard Business Review article “The Authenticity Paradox” (Jan-Feb 2015) suggests that leaders need to adapt their style given what the situation calls for and develop over time a sense of how much to share.

What is the difference between “surface acting” and “deep acting”?

Oftentimes, leaders resort to “surface acting.” Surface acting occurs when leaders change the emotions that they are expressing without trying to feel those emotions.  In other words, they are faking emotions.  For instance, a leader may arrive at a team meeting and is frustrated and discouraged by the lack of progress on a key project due to community opposition.  With surface acting, the leader suppresses those feelings and pretends that she is fine in order to try motivating the team to move forward.  Over time, surface acting creates great emotional labor and drains the leader.

With “deep acting,” the leader attempts to feel the emotions that she wants to display.  So even though the leader may be frustrated and disappointed, she spends a few minutes before the meeting acknowledging her difficult feelings.  Then she may reflect on what she is grateful for about the team and the learning and progress that have occurred to date with the project.  These positive emotions would help the leader facilitate a more positive meeting and chart a course forward.  (See Jamie Shapiro, “The Emotional Labor Required to Lead Effectively,” July 24, 2024.)

What are practices to overcome the toll of emotional labor?

There are three levels of response to address the emotional drain on leaders:

• What can I do to minimize the burden?
• What can I do to replenish my energy and positive emotion?
• What can the organization do so I can maintain my positive energy and emotional and physical health?

5 Wins

1. Reframe the situation; focus on what’s positive.
2. Shed your “hero” leader’s role.
3. Create “slack” in your work life; free up energy.
4. Share joys and burdens with trusted colleagues, coaches, and friends.
5. Take care of yourself before taking care of others.

Leadership practices to minimize the burden

Acknowledge when you are called upon to do surface acting

As a leader, you must first recognize emotional labor as real labor.  If you don’t acknowledge the drain, it takes a mental and physical toll on you.  (See Dena Smith and Alicia Grandey, “The Emotional Labor of Being a Leader," Nov 2, 2022.)

Let’s say that you are called upon to support a city council decision that you do not agree with.  Before explaining the decision to your team and getting your team members aligned with the decision, you might want to do an emotional audit about how you feel about asking your team for support.  You can ask yourself:

• What am I feeling?
• Why am I feeling a disconnect?
• Is it a core value conflict or a difference of opinion?

After acknowledging your feelings about the situation, you can take a deep breath and then show yourself some self-compassion and kindness, instead of poorly judging yourself.  This allows you to somewhat avoid the negative consequences of surface acting, such as lashing out at a team member or drinking heavily when you arrive home. (See Dena Smith, “When Your Feelings Conflict with Your Leadership Role,” Jan 27, 2023.)

Focus on what matters

Instead of focusing on the misalignment of your true feelings and what you must portray to your team or stakeholder groups, you can emphasize in your mind what team or community members need to hear in order to stay engaged.  (See Jamie Shapiro, “The Emotional Labor Required to Lead Effectively,” July 24, 2024.)

For instance, if the council has decided on a different approach to address homeless encampments, you can stress:

• For the sake of the unhoused as well as the rest of the community, the city council is committed to addressing the homeless crisis by working with all groups.
• The city is struggling to find a solution and wants to learn what works and what doesn’t.
• The city can provide some resources.
• You are grateful for everyone’s efforts to date.
• You can count on me to support the effort going forward.

Positive emotions include meaning, community, caring, learning, commitment, and gratitude.

Reframe the situation

To switch from surface to deep acting, you must often reframe the situation.  While you may be deeply disappointed that the city manager did not approve your recommendation about traffic congestion, the team did a commendable job in identifying options and recommending a responsive approach; there has been progress along the way; and there is much to learn going forward.  In spite of your frustration, you can explain the city manager’s decision, thank the team members for their efforts to date, demonstrate that you care about the issue and the team, listen to their ideas moving forward, and focus on new opportunities to learn and try out new approaches given the constraints.  (See Dena Smith, “When Your Feelings Conflict with Your Leadership Role,” Jan 27, 2023.)

Shed notions of heroic leadership

We leaders often feel the emotional need to be heroes. We believe that we can only make the right decision and do the work to make great things happen.  (See Career Compass No. 41 The Post-Heroic Leader.) This heroic mindset leads to great emotional labor.

First of all, leaders cannot do it all.  You need to engage in those tasks that only you can do and delegate to others tasks that do not require your unique abilities. Instead of being heroes, we need to become “multipliers” and focus on the development of staff to address the adaptive challenges of the day.  In fact, the key role of leaders is to grow more leaders. 

Second, instead of directing and “managing” staff who are assigned to address these challenges, leaders may find it more effective and liberating if they provide autonomy to employees as they pursue solutions. Leaders must still articulate the purpose and meaning of these efforts as well as provide the general direction, the authority to make decisions about their work, and the necessary resources (such as time, budget, and training). If employees are then empowered to “figure it out,” they will tend to be more engaged and self-motivated and thus “own” the project. (See Naphtali Hoff, SmartBrief, “How Employee Empowerment Can Boost Retention and Foster Loyalty,” Nov 8, 2024.)

Third, leaders must identify their circles of control, influence, and concern.

A leader cannot effectuate everything as desired.  You typically only have enough energy and emotion to focus on your circles of control and influence.  Let go of issues in the circle of concern.

Set boundaries

If you don’t set boundaries as a leader, you will soon be called upon by everyone to do everything.  You might want to:

• Identify when you are not available (unless there is a true emergency), such as a vacation, or at home in the evenings or on weekends.
• Schedule a weekly “deep thinking” time or “no meetings” day.
• Clearly denote areas of responsibility for your assistant director or division managers so everyone does not come to you to solve problems.

Create some “slack”

In order to reflect and manage your emotions, you need some “slack.”  If you are multitasking, running from meeting to meeting, and constantly working your phone at work and at home, and thus always distracted, there is no slack in your life.  A recent Microsoft study found that employees are interrupted on average every two minutes by emails, texts, meetings, or other “pings.”  (See Jared Spataro, “The 2025 American Work Trend Report,” April 23, 2025.)

When I served as city manager, I tried to create some slack by creating a 9x80 schedule for most office staff.  On my alternative “off” Friday, I would sleep late, have a leisurely breakfast with my wife, and spend some time at a café before I picked up the kids from school.  At the café, I would reflect and make some notes, identify priorities for the next few weeks, develop a key project work plan, or write a presentation or article. 

This time at home and at the café gave me the leisurely time to recalibrate and reflect.  To create slack and promote reflection and deep thinking, you (or your administrative assistant) can reserve “white space” on your weekly calendar. Another tactic is a “no meetings Friday” policy in the department.  It is also helpful to mandate that no meeting go beyond 45 minutes so you have time to reflect on one meeting before running to another. 

Leaders need some excess energy and capacity.

Practices to replenish your energy and emotional wherewithal 

Effective leadership requires positive emotions. Thus, in addition to minimizing the emotional toll, you must also replenish your positive emotions. 

Connecting with others

All the data on positive emotions, including happiness, points to the importance of connecting with others.  (See Harvard Happiness Project) Efforts to connect and enhance social relations at work might include:

• Being intentional about “micro-interactions” (i.e., walking around at the beginning of the work day and the end of the day to greet people or thank them for the day’s work).
• Starting meetings with a connection ritual (i.e., “take 5” minutes to talk about non-work joys and challenges).
• Sharing lunch several days a week in the lunch room with others.
• Going to a café or taking a walking break with a coworker.

Promoting your own energy

We often think that we need to better manage our time to promote work-life balance.  The problem is that time is a finite resource.  Energy is not finite; it is expandable.

You will find that you have more energy if you are actively engaged in the work.  Five drivers of engagement and energy include:

• Purpose and meaning.
• Autonomy.
• Learning and growth.
• Belonging and connection.
• Appreciation.

Taking care of yourself

Of course, you need to take care of yourself before taking care of others.  Self-care includes managing your eating and alcohol habits, getting physical exercise, and spending time in nature.

Don’t neglect the non-work self

Hobbies and other non-work leisure or creative pursuits (gardening, music, cooking, photography) replenish ourselves.

Of course, if you can set some boundaries in order to focus on family life and truly be present, family time can also do wonders in replenishing energy.

Organizational practices to minimize the emotional burden of leadership

Given the negative impacts on the organization of emotionally overwhelmed leaders, top management has a responsibility to help leaders at all levels deal with the emotional labor of leadership.

The organization can take a number of steps to intentionally address the emotional burden experienced by leaders.  Some best practices include:

• Instituting “intentional scheduling” such as “no meeting” days or half-days.
• Auditing meetings and eliminating those that produce little value (in the post-pandemic, meetings have increased by 194%).
• Increasing leadership support programs (i.e, 1:1 coaching and peer coaching circles, EAP resources).
• Developing rituals at executive team or management team meetings to make it safe to share the “joys and challenges” of leadership.
• Creating a sense of belonging among managers and other leaders (managers are often more lonely than other employees).

(For more information and details on these organizational practices, see Career Compass No.115 Combatting Chronic Organizational Distress.)

Small actions have big impact

To serve others as a leader, you must show up calm, steady, optimistic, and confident—even if you don’t feel that way.  This kind of emotional disconnect is depleting over time. You don’t have to feel overwhelmed and exhausted.  Small actions can have a big impact in helping you cope and adapt. 

Sponsored by the ICMA Coaching Program, ICMA Career Compass is a monthly column from ICMA focused on career issues for local government professional staff. Dr. Frank Benest is ICMA's liaison for Next Generation Initiatives and resides in Palo Alto, California. If you have a career question you would like addressed in a future Career Compass, e-mail careers@icma.org or frank@frankbenest.com. Read past columns of Career Compass.

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